© 2021 254 North Front Street, Suite 300, Wilmington, NC 28401 | 910.343.1640
News Classical 91.3 Wilmington 92.7 Wilmington 96.7 Southport
Play Live Radio
Next Up:
0:00
0:00
Available On Air Stations

Limericks

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, a man who just realized beach season is almost here and is now furiously jogging in place as I speak, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Now, spring is a time of renewal, so we're bringing back material from past shows, putting them in the ground and seeing if anything sprouts. Now, here's something you've probably never heard before. We do our show in theaters with a live audience. Well, we used to. But our contestants call in from around the country, so people can be in the show even if they can't be at the show.

KURTIS: But in December 2017, at the Moore Theatre in Seattle, all our phone lines failed all at once. So for the first time in two decades of hosting this show, Peter had to do crowd work.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

SAGAL: All right. This is a last-minute change, but this is what we're going to do. Normally, we have people who call in to play our games from around the country. But, apparently, all our phone lines failed.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we are going to do something that, quite literally, we have never done before.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We are going to invite one of you...

(CHEERING)

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Wow.

HELEN HONG: That's cool.

SAGAL: No, you're not coming up. But we're going to - you going to stay in your seat. And we have one of our producers who's going to work the crowd and find one of you to play our games. Now that I know we're doing that...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Improvisational theater. All right. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME. And...

PHOEBE: Hi.

SAGAL: I'm sorry. Where are - I cannot...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Anybody, anybody.

SAGAL: All right. I am told, Phoebe (ph), that you are way up top in the worst seat in the house. Is that true?

PHOEBE: I am in the very back of the theater.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. That's very exciting.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And I can't quite see. So you're in the very top row?

PHOEBE: I am in the very top row.

SAGAL: All right.

HONG: No way.

PHOEBE: Yes, way.

SAGAL: That's exciting.

HONG: Can you see me?

SAGAL: How do we look from up there?

PHOEBE: Very small.

SAGAL: I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

PHOEBE: But very funny.

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Be honest with me, Phoebe. Do I have a bald spot?

(LAUGHTER)

PHOEBE: I don't see one.

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Thank you.

SAGAL: Well, Phoebe, I assume - are you also from Seattle?

PHOEBE: As of the last 13 years, yes.

SAGAL: OK, that counts.

PHOEBE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: So, Phoebe, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here.

PHOEBE: Thank you.

SAGAL: You, of course, are going to play the game in which you have to listen for the rhyme. Bill Kurtis right here is going to perform three news-related limericks. He's not going to finish them. Your job, of course, is to do that from the back of the house. You ready to do that?

PHOEBE: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: All right. Here we go. Here's your first limerick.

KURTIS: It's old information that rookies know. It makes my intestines play hooky, oh. The eggs and the flour give E. coli power. I shouldn't be eating raw...

PHOEBE: Cookie dough.

SAGAL: Yes, I know.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes, Phoebe. Good for you.

(APPLAUSE)

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Way to go.

SAGAL: Turns out, Phoebe, you should not be feeding this to your kids. This week, The New York Times reported that cookie dough is bad. But on the other hand, according to The New York Times, Nazis can also often be charming young men.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So it's a wash. New research shows that it's not just the raw eggs and cookie dough that we need to worry about. Raw flour is also dangerous. CDC epidemiologist Samuel Crowe says that even a small amount of infected flour could get you sick. He added, quote, "I've had E. coli and salmonella. And it's pretty darn unpleasant."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So he had both E. coli and salmonella. Nothing against Dr. Crowe, but maybe the CDC needs to put up those Employees Must Wash Hands signs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you guys eat raw cookie dough?

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: I used to back in the day.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: I feel like it's a white people thing.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I don't - yeah. I just - I didn't grow up with it. And then when I got to college - and I was like, what are you guys eating, cookie - ew.

ALONZO BODDEN: Never went raw. I just wait until they're done.

(LAUGHTER)

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: It's a weird thing for that to be a white people thing.

BODDEN: You guys got a lot of weird [expletive].

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I mean, seriously.

KURTIS: All right. Here is your next limerick, Phoebe.

KURTIS: My glutes and my quads are both rotting, so more time near the ground I'm allotting. My doctor's demanding less sitting and standing. So like toddlers, I'll spend my day...

PHOEBE: Squatting.

SAGAL: Squatting, Phoebe, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Phoebe.

SAGAL: We knew - remember this? We all found out that sitting was terrible for us. We all got standing desks. Then we learned standing was bad for us, so we all sat down again. And then they came for the Jews, and I did nothing because I was dizzy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sorry, sorry. I got distracted.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The point is sitting - standing - one health expert, at least, is now recommending that the healthiest thing you can do during the day is squat at your desk. So we all need squatting desks now...

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Really?

HONG: Wow.

SAGAL: ...To saw off 6 inches off the legs of your...

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Squatting?

SAGAL: Squatting, yeah.

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: I mean, it's good for your quads, obviously.

SAGAL: Yeah, but that's it. I guess the idea is, like, you know, sitting is bad. And standing is bad 'cause - but if you squat, then you're actually...

BODDEN: You think someone at IKEA just said, hey, we got some half-built desks we got to get rid of.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Squatting desks.

BODDEN: Let's see if they go for the old squatting routine.

SAGAL: Yeah. Here is your last limerick, Phoebe.

KURTIS: Bedazzling makes scientists bitter 'cause sparkles end up in the litter. Small kids' arts and crafts should be given the shaft. We call for a ban on all...

PHOEBE: Glitter.

SAGAL: Glitter, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good, Phoebe.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Sorry, craft bloggers. Environmental scientists are calling for a ban on glitter, saying that not only is it impossible to remove from your face and clothes. It's also impossible to remove from the ocean.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Glitter pollution has gotten so bad that some researchers say that by 2025, a full two-thirds of the ocean will look fabulous.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Have these environmental scientists been to a strip club, got caught...

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, yeah, research.

BODDEN: ...And then said, oh, no glitter. Get rid of glitter.

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Yeah, and getting caught in - come home covered in...

BODDEN: He came home...

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: It's the ocean. The ocean is full of this stuff.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

UNIDENTIFIED PANELIST: Yeah, I was out in the ocean, and I got covered in glitter.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Phoebe do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three and 0, Phoebe.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Phoebe.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "GLITTER AND GOLD")

THE TURTLES: (Singing) But glitter and gold never can keep you warm at night. Glitter and gold never can make a wrong of right. Girl, you're going to find... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.