My Top Five - Hopeless New Year's Resolutions

Jan 9, 2012

Operations Intern Asia Brown shares her 5 favorite scoffable New Year's resolutions. 

I don't make New Year's resolutions myself, but these seem to be my friends' favorite ways to start the year off failing.

(5) - Attitude Overhaul

Ah, ye olde oath to simply be a better person. This resolution is just vague enough to convince the resolute that it's possible. From being more honest (and yes, the barista you threw your iced coffee on had it coming) to standing up for what's right, this one is doomed for failure by week's end.

(4) - The change you need

Being more charitable has an obvious appeal. With New Year's day just the other side of Christmas, the spirit of giving still lingers like the dank aroma of the off-brand perfume your gramma bought you. By the time you get your W-2s, however, your tax return is more than certain to contribute to the brand of charity that starts at home. 

(3) - Scroll Control

A more contemporary but nonetheless popular determination to spend less time on Facebook is immediately sabotaged by the picture-taking frenzy that is New Year's Eve. Yes, you swear, gone are the days when you spend two oblivious hours scrolling through 257 of your high school rival's vay-kay photos, snorting and making your way through a king size box of Swedish Fish. You are through with Facebook! ...Right after you see what everyone in your news feed wrote on their big night out.

(2) - Pink Slip

Love is war, especially with your on-again/off-again partner for the last three years. Which is why, come January 1st, it's over! You'll have just finished cropping him out of your Spring Break 2010 photos when Valentine's Day will roll around and well, of course, you can't spend that alone. At least this inevitable failure comes with a gourmet dinner and a box of chocolates.

(1) - Now You See Me...

Now you don't expect to lose all 30 pounds (35 if you count the five you simply have to drop by summer) in a month. But this year, you will make a lifestyle change that will keep you on the border of twiggy for years to come. The complete and abrupt diet/exercise overhaul (including 3 two-a-days at the gym a week and skinless, flavorless, boiled chicken breast) will ensure that, come St. Patty's, your P90X DVDs will be nothing more than coasters for your green drinks.

To all of you who made resolutions, best of luck! Share yours and some of  your favorites with us below. We promise we won't judge.