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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You can also check out our WAIT WAIT Instagram, where our very own Emma Choi hides all of her deepest secrets for you to find. And if you want more WAIT WAIT, check out her upcoming virtual Comedy Club on May 18 featuring Alonzo Bodden, Maeve Higgins, Adam Burke and Karen Chee. Tickets are on sale right now at nprpresents.org. Tell a friend or an enemy.

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KIM HIGGINS: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi. Who's this?

HIGGINS: This is Kim Higgins from Tuscola, Ill.

SAGAL: Tuscola, Ill. I, of course, live in Chicago, so I have no idea about any other part of Illinois. That's how we are. Where is Tuscola?

HIGGINS: We're about half an hour south of Champaign.

SAGAL: OK.

LUKE BURBANK: I'm about a half hour away from champagne, too.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Once we wrap this up.

SAGAL: Ka-zing (ph). Well, welcome to the show, Kim. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

HIGGINS: I am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: As each happy hour looms near, we breweries have one big fear. The global supply may have run a bit dry, so the pubs will all run out of...

HIGGINS: Beer.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: After lockdown restrictions lifted, Brits enjoyed themselves so much over the weekend that many pubs ran out of beer. British people getting hammered again - it's so beautiful. Nature is healing. But it must have been so frustrating to go out for the first time in months and not be able to drink a nice, hot British beer. And without a beer in front of you, what do you stare solemnly into?

BURBANK: Did they actually run out? Or they're just worried they're going to run out?

SAGAL: No, they actually ran out. There were pubs like, I don't have any more beer because everybody wanted to go and get a beer.

BURBANK: There are things I want to do now that I just didn't care about at all before the pandemic. I'm, like...

SAGAL: Like what?

BURBANK: ...Excited to go to, like, a Ross Dress For Less...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BURBANK: ...And wander through the wreckage of that store.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BURBANK: It always looks like there's been a pandemic at Ross Dress for Less.

ALONZO BODDEN: Didn't they expect to run on beer? I mean, after you've been locked down...

SAGAL: You'd think. You'd think you'd lay it in.

BODDEN: It was so bad, they drank American beer.

SAGAL: Oh, no, didn't get that bad.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Every day, I feel stuck in a rut. I'm just sitting on my you know what. It feels soggy and flat, but I'm working on that. I'm implanting around juicy...

HIGGINS: Butt.

SAGAL: Butt, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: People want big butts, and they cannot lie, according data released by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, which they do not refer to as ASPS, but we do. In addition to our sanity, apparently, many of us have lost tone and shape to our buttocks after just constantly sitting for a year. So butt implants, they say, are up 22% from last year, as are laughs caused by pants splitting. Now, this is expensive to get plastic surgery to enhance your butt. So as a home remedy, just keep shoving tiramisu in your mouth and wait a bit. It's slow, but it is effective.

BURBANK: Well, how I use my stimulus check is nobody else's business, Peter.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: (Laughter) Yeah.

BODDEN: So I'm just imagining you're in med school.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: And what day do you decide, yup, I'm doing butts?

SAGAL: I think the moment when most plastic surgeons decide to go into the business is when they are invited out on the enormous boat of another plastic surgeon.

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And they're all of a sudden struck by an inspiration to help people with the size of their butts.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: It's the best health incentive I've seen. Free donuts and weed and caffeine. If you get this shot, we will throw in some pot. Just make sure that you get your...

HIGGINS: Vaccine.

SAGAL: Yes, vaccine.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: States and businesses are now having to give out incentives to get people to take the vaccine. Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts if you have a vaccine card. In Maryland, you can get a hundred dollars. New Jersey will get you a free beer. And everywhere, you can get a lifesaving vaccine that will let you go inside. What is wrong with you? One New Yorker started the Joints For Jabs initiative, where - this is true - you get a free joint if you proved you are vaccinated, which has led to some people getting their third second shot of Moderna because they forgot about the first two. Or if you're still wary of the vaccine, but you want some free pot, just go to a random party in Brooklyn and stand there for a while.

BODDEN: I love that you can actually get some weed and free donuts. I mean...

SAGAL: Exactly.

BODDEN: ...You're set. That's a weekend (laughter).

SAGAL: I mean, exactly.

POUNDSTONE: It's symbiotic.

SAGAL: You got the vaccine, the weed, the donut. You're set.

BODDEN: You're going back inside. You're like, I'm good.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Kim do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She did very well. Three in a row.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Kim.

HIGGINS: Thank you.

SAGAL: That's fantastic. Thank you so much for playing, Kim. Take care.

HIGGINS: Thanks. Love you guys.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

POUNDSTONE: Bye, Kim.

(SOUNDBITE OF PAT BENATAR SONG, "HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.